As Presidents’ Day approaches, I’m reminded that I have fallen down on my duties as an American citizen. I mean, here’s President George W. Bush giving us high unemployment, raised terror alerts and the opportunity to have much less environment to be worrying about and I didn’t even bother to get him a Presidents’ Day card. George, please accept this as my apology. Now, sure, unemployment was down last month, but maybe this is because someone has to fill the jobs left vacant by our brave armed forces who are being sent overseas to secure our Global Supremacy. To be honest, President Bush has created “thousands of jobs” in the recent past. He even bragged about it in the State Of The Union Address when he said, “. . .we know, for instance, that thousands of Iraqi security personnel are at work hiding documents and materials from the UN inspectors — sanitizing inspection sites, and monitoring the inspectors themselves.” Nice job Dubya! Maybe you can create more jobs here in the U.S. sometime real soon! As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, the National Terror Alert System has been placed on Condition High, or Orange. Imploring Americans not to disrupt their daily routines or cancel any plans New York Mayor, Michael Bloomberg, has urged Americans to “leave the worrying to the professionals.” I would tend to agree, but with Purim and Passover approaching, I think us Jews have enough on our minds. Then again, if we’ve learned anything from our mothers we’ve learned that most of us Hebraic Americans – or Hebrew Nationals as some call us (ask me about my salami!) – are capable of infinite amounts of worrying. Which is why I will be joining with the Office of Homeland Security to lead their newest program – a program which will allow worried non-Jews to adopt their own Government Approved Jewish Mother to worry for them. You don’t need to write to her or call. This will get the ball rolling. From the first day you come home from work and are greeted by an answering machine message that opens up with, “You don’t write . . . you don’t call . . .” you’ll know that your worrying days are over. For just pennies a day (provided by tax dollars that would have just been spent on programs to prevent the spread of AIDS, fight crime in our inner cities or help solve the problems that plague the parts of society that aren’t close to even affecting the industrial corporate interests that used their money to help George W. Bush take the White House against the popular vote of the American People – hey, no price too high for Homeland Security!) you can rest assured that someone else is doing the worrying for you. You might still want to pick up some duct tape and plastic sheeting . . . just to be on the safe side. Meanwhile, back in Iraq . . . when we last checked in on Saddam Hussein, he was busy decorating Iraqi oil rigs like Christmas trees using a bunch of explosives instead of ornaments and tinsel. Seems that he’s trying to force a stalemate – if the U.S. attacks Iraq, he’ll start blowing oil wells like Anna Nicole Smith at a Texas millionaires banquet. As we learned when he did the same thing in Kuwait not so long ago, blowing up the wells will not only destroy the oil, but will also wreak havoc on the global environment. And as we know, our current Administration is very concerned with both of these threats – the loss of precious oil and, of course, the tremendous loss of precious oil. Which is why it is so important now - more than ever - to support live comedy wherever we can. Especially if you’re supporting it THIS THURSDAY NIGHT, FEBRUARY 13th at 9:00PM at the Comedy Union - 5040 W Pico Blvd. Los Angeles CA (323) 934-9300 (link to a map in the “upcoming gigs” section above) – when DAVID ROBINSON brings the funny directly to the people! For only $12, you’ll be doing your part to help keep American morale up. Because if you don’t come to this show . . . the terrorists win. See you on Thursday at Comedy Union! Vaya con Carne - Yer pal David

 

Click here to return to the archives listing