Well, you knew as soon as they started talking about it the end would be closer than we ever dared imagine and now it seems as if there truly is no hope. It seems that we are powerless to do anything about it – no amount of duct tape or plastic sheeting can protect us. The rumors are true; the Spice Girls are going to reunite. At the very least, we can find comfort in the fact that Jay-Z will not have to find an opening act for his upcoming big concert special on Showtime – Mike Tyson will be fighting Clifford Etienne. . . in the ring. It looks like this is the closest Bush’s America will come to getting revenge on the French for their unwillingness to play along with our nation’s reindeer games. But this is not the same old Mike Tyson we’re used to seeing. This is the new and improved Mike Tyson – the one with the African tribal symbol tattooed on his face. Why did “Iron Mike” get an African Tribal symbol tattooed on his face? Is it because the design is meant to inspire fear, as Mike told reporters earlier this week, or is it because Mike didn’t know how to pronounce the name of the design he really wanted – ('tär-gèt)? No matter, because the boxing world is happy to get any sacrificial blood on the canvas – particularly after “Sugar” Shane Mosley decided not to fight Oscar “As Rich As He Is Pretty” De La Hoya because it seems $4.5 million just isn’t enough to get “Sugar” spilled all over the canvas. I guess Moseley will have to go back to earning his money the old-fashioned way - $50,000 per sitting for eating the bunghole of a horse on Fear Factor. Which makes me think . . . why don’t we up the stakes on that show for the next season? Ratings would go through the roof if contestants were given the option of eating rhino balls in a glass tank full of scorpions for $50,000 or they could take two minutes in the ring with Mike Tyson for a cool million. $500,000 if Mikey’s on the Zoloft. Hey, gotta keep it interesting for the viewers at home, right? Otherwise they might pay attention to the fact that our court appointed President has already decimated the projected National Budget Surplus which was rebuilt during the Clinton Administration and promises to plunge us deeper into debt with tax cuts for the rich and a war in Iraq which will most likely cost much more than money. Money, like the million dollar check that was given to Evan and Zora in the final episode of Fox’s “Joe Millionaire.” See, you don’t have to think about that pesky war in the Middle East if you don’t want to . . . you just have to pay for it. Meanwhile in North Carolina, the Tarheels are snickering under their blankets at the latest snafu for NAFTA, courtesy of the folks at Duke University Hospital. First round draft pick Dr. Duane Davis was part of the transplant team that put a heart and lungs from a donor with type-A blood into a Mexican girl with type-O blood. Needless to say, the girl’s body rejected the organs quicker than a Merchant-Ivory casting director would reject Carrot Top. Type-A, Type-O . . . hey, they’re both vowels, right? Well, at least Vanity Fair and Dame Edna are catching the wrath of the Spaniards and Latinos this week. Maybe they’ll all be so busy worrying about how many Pablo Neruda books are in Graydon Carter’s library that they won’t have the time to notice that crap like this rarely happens to families that can afford to sue their doctors for malpractice. Seems that the “great sucking sound” that Ross Perot warned us about all those years ago would actually be followed by a doctor frantically screaming, “We need MORE suction! STAT!” But who knew that the next sound would be the garbled, but obviously annoyed protests of a nurse trying to talk with her mouth full? Hey, if I knew the answer to that, I might have gone to medical school. As it is, if you want to see me perform in the surgical theater, you’re just going to have to settle for the slightly less sterile confines of HOLLYWOOD BILLIARDS - 5750 Hollywood Blvd,Los Angeles, CA,323-465-0115 - next WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 26th when DAVID ROBINSON performs as part of the "COMEDY HUSTLERS" show. The show starts at 8:00PM, but the secure parking lot is small. Get there early for good parking and good drinkin’! The cover is only $5 and the quality comedy is worth at least twice that. Also scheduled to appear that night are Jeremy “Jeremy” Levy and Matt B. Davis (not to be confused with Brady housekeeper Ann B. Davis or 70’s country superstar Mac Davis.) See you next Wednesday! Vaya con Carne - Yer pal David

 

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