In an interview with Dan Rather to be aired later this week, Saddam Hussein said he’d be willing to debate American President George W. Bush about Iraqi disarmament, leading the country to wonder, “How do you debate a madman?” Meanwhile, President Bush is asking, “How do you debate, again?” As if we needed further proof that Hussein is a madman, he’s confirmed our beliefs by doing an interview with CBS. The interview should be interesting – early reports say that whenever he didn’t like the line of questioning, Hussein would repeatedly ask Rather, “What’s the frequency, Kenneth?” Rather, himself an R.E.M. fan, told Hussein, “I’ve got my spine, I’ve got my Orange Crush,” which infuriated the dictator who, due to U.N. sanctions, can not get anything better than Grape Nehi. On the topic of interviews with crazy people, actor Robert Blake sat down for an interview with Barbara Walters this week. In the interview, Blake allegedly threatens Jay Leno for making jokes at his expense. First of all, I think that Blake is to be commended for giving Leno the benefit of the doubt. I watched the Tonight Show with Jay Leno last week and didn’t hear anything even resembling a joke come out of Leno’s mouth. And I guess technically, Blake didn’t actually threaten Leno – he just offered to take the big chinned talk show host to dinner at Vitello’s when he gets out of the hoosegow. Moving from celebrities who screwed up to celebrities that are just getting screwed, Tommy Chong’s home was raided by police this week after Attorney General John Ashcroft – a man who anointed himself with Crisco upon his appointment to office – initiated “Operation Pipe Dream,” a sweeping offensive against manufacturers and distributors of drug paraphernalia. Geez, if I didn’t know better I might start to think that once again our government is trying to distract the populace from their flailing war on . . . something . . . possibly something Islamic. Y’know, I’ve forgotten whether we’re fighting terrorism, Iraq, the Axis of Evil or something far more sinister . . . the Bill of Rights. Maybe I’m clutching at straws here, but I don’t think a man who banned dancing and alcohol at his two Missouri Gubernatorial inaugural celebrations should really be entrusted with protecting anyone’s right to the pursuit of happiness. I call them Gubernatorial inaugural “celebrations” because, as everyone knows, Ashcroft doesn’t have any balls. I’m guessing there’s not much in the way of brains either . . . I mean, look how long it’s taken the government to figure out some connection between pot and one of the members of Cheech and Chong. With that track record, I imagine Osama bin Laden doesn’t have much to worry about. Now, if bin Laden was selling bongs over the Internet, that’d be a different story altogether. But I digress. Last week in Rhode Island, marked the first time in recent history that someone said “It’s getting hot in here,” and the comment was not followed up by a reference to a Nelly song. Yes, tragedy struck when 97 people were killed in a fire at a nightclub where 80s hair metal band “Great White” was playing. Dude, I didn’t even know that there were 97 people who listened to Great White. Ok, I guess one of them was the band’s guitarist, but that still leaves 96 poor souls who probably didn’t realize just how flammable Aqua Net is. In a very close contest in the old “Man vs. Nature” struggle, nature came in a close second when 94 people were killed in an earthquake in Mainland China. This has led Attorney General John Ashcroft to begin investigating terrorist threats by balding 80’s hair metal band the Scorpions, who have allegedly threatened to “Rock (You) Like a Hurricane.” But hey, if you wanted a bizarre and twisted take on the news you would probably just turn on the Fox News Channel, so let me cut to the chase and invite you to celebrate your Wednesday night with an evening of stand up comedy and the potential for pool TOMORROW – WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 26th at HOLLYWOOD BILLIARDS - 5750 Hollywood Blvd, Los Angeles, CA, 323-465-0115 - when DAVID ROBINSON performs as part of the "COMEDY HUSTLERS" show. The show starts at 8:00PM, but the secure parking lot is small. Get there early for a good parking spot and get your drink on! The cover is only $5 and as if that wasn’t enough they’ve got Shiner Bock on tap. Besides all the usual joy and mirth you’ve come to expect from a David Robinson performance, Jeremy “Jeremy” Levy (right up there with Shiner Bock as far as Texan exports go) will also be performing! Now if that don’t float your boat, maybe you need to quit sailing. See you on Wednesday! Vaya con Carne, Your pal David

 

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