It seems that I’m the only person so far to connect the seemingly unrelated events of last week, but if Chuck Barris can be an assassin for the CIA, I don’t see what’s so implausible about the fact that the National Terror Alert was lowered to a Yellow alert from Orange on the same day that children’s’ television neighbor Mr. Rogers passed on to The Neighborhood of Make-Believe. While a distraught Trolley just jangled sadly, X the Owl was overheard telling Lady Elaine to “ . . . deny everything. Talk to the press and they’ll do to you what they did to Daniel Pussycat.” Pussycat disappeared several years back while scuba diving in the Seychelles and is presumed dead. Elsewhere in The Neighborhood of Make-Believe, rumors are spreading that the E! Network will be hiring alleged wife murderer O.J. Simpson to provide commentary on the coverage of accused wife killer Robert Blake. If the viewing public responds favorably, Blake, Simpson and Phil Spector will be featured in a new reality show in which each man will live in a house with five aspiring model/actresses for three weeks, called “He’s a Celebrity! Get Me Out of Here!” While I’m on the topic of women who often get beaten, word is Anna Kournikova and Sergei Fedorov, forward for the Detroit Red Wings, were married for a brief time but are now divorced. From this, we can assume that Kournikova is as bad at doubles as she is in singles matches. However, now that she’s a single woman with some time on her hands, Kournikova is reportedly considering trying something new, saying she might fill her empty schedule by “ . . . maybe taking some tennis lessons.” Meanwhile the march into war continues on with developments all around the world - Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the suspected planner of the 9/11 attacks, is in U.S. custody and will be questioned on details of planned al Qaeda attacks. Though Mohammed is essentially the Hydrox to Osama bin Laden’s more desirable Oreo, President George W. Bush expressed his happiness at the capture of yet another al Qaeda operative with an easily pronounceable name. Senior al Qaeda leaders Abu Zubaydah and Ramzi Binalshibh had previously been captured in Pakistan, but a tongue-tied American President refused to acknowledge the arrests until the terrorists would agree to be known as “Ralph, or Bob . . . or something normal like Jeb . . . or Neal.” The President then finished his snack of Nilla Wafers and milk before grabbing his blankey and announcing that he’d be back after naptime. In a related story, the Washington Post is reporting that al Qaeda was planning to attack the United States naval base at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, using hijacked airliners, but changed their minds after deciding that the feature film “Pearl Harbor” had already done more damage to the integrity of the monument than al Qaeda could ever do. On the topic of damaged integrity, Senator Hillary Clinton –N.Y. (Dem.) announced this week that she’s backing Bush in his efforts to start a war in Iraq. Fellow Democrats inside the beltway find themselves wondering what the hell Bill must have done to piss her off this time. Moving from Bush to the Brazilians, celebration of Carnival are wrapping up in Rio as celebrants in New Orleans augment their Mardi Gras festivities with a salute to the barter system that French traders and settlers used back when Louisiana was still the frontier. Today, however, people are only trading beads for a glimpse of beaver rather than the whole pelt. You, on the other hand, are invited to trade $10 for admission to see DAVID ROBINSON perform at the "REBELS OF COMEDY" show THIS FRIDAY, MARCH 7th at El Dorado (restaurant) 11777 San Vicente Blvd. Los Angeles, CA 310-207-0150 The show starts at 7:00PM, but you can arrive early to get a good seat and enjoy tasty vittles from south of the border. When you’re done ingesting the illicit pharmaceuticals you picked up in Tijuana, they also have Mexican food there. See you Friday! Vaya con Carne, Your pal David

 

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