As we tilt ever closer to the brink of war with Iraq, we’re beginning to revert to jingoistic behavior not seen since sauerkraut was known as “liberty cabbage.” This time, though, the backlash isn’t against our Middle Eastern targets, but rather our reluctant allies throughout Europe. In particular, we’re gearing up to culturally bitch slap the French. Though you may have heard of boycotts of French products like wine, cheese and body odor, there is a current movement to eliminate all references to the French in everyday language. Already, people are leaning away from ordering “French fries” and just ordering “fries.” This has led to several commentaries on the airwaves wondering what will become of other common terms like “French manicures,” “French twist” hairstyles and the ever popular “French kissing.” Though I’m not at all surprised that a Bush administration could try to convert the old adage that “Ignorance is bliss” into public policy, I am troubled by the fact that the Turkish parliament voted against allowing American forces to use their country as a launching pad for our soldiers against the tyranny of Saddam Hussein. Putting aside the idea that our court appointed President is simply baffled by democracy in action, I can’t help but wonder what the hell we’re going to eat at Thanksgiving if the nation of Turkey doesn’t come through for us. Sure, we’ll probably still ingest the tasty flesh of the clumsy birds, but what will we call it? Thanksgiving tables around the country, already on edge because of the usual tensions of family get togethers will erupt into chaos preceded by people asking, “Could you please pass the . . . um, uh, y’know, that stuff . . .” communication gaps will widen and then, the terrorists will truly have won. What’s next, blacklisting Hollywood actors for daring to speak out against the Bush Administration? Though I would much rather see the First Amendment rights of our nation’s citizens remain intact, I don’t think I’m the only person who would love to tune into C-SPAN to hear disgraced Senator Trent Lott asking Vin Diesel if he is now or has ever eaten a falafel. If there is one bright side to the potential for blacklisting, it would be nice to give America’s airwaves a break from the music of Limp Bizkit in response to Fred Durst’s anti-war commentary during the Grammy Awards. And I think we’re all in “agreeance” on that one. Meanwhile, CBS is catching flack for the Dan Rather interview with Saddam Hussein after it was discovered that Steve Winfield, the translator who was heard delivering Hussein’s translation, used a fake Arabic accent to add “authenticity” to the interview. While I don’t see what the fuss is, I really think Winfield went overboard when he finished dubbing the voiceover and then went and gassed some Kurds. I mean, “method” only goes so far, y’know? Perhaps in an effort to seek redemption, CBS is going to bring the “Point/Counterpoint” feature back to “60 Minutes” with a series of debates between former President Bill Clinton and former Senator and spokesman for Pepsi and Viagra, Bob Dole. I’m sure we’ll all be tuned in to see if Clinton will have the cojones to ask Dole the one question he never asked during the 1996 pre-election debates; “Hey Bob, you gonna keep waving that pen around or are you going to write something down?” While we’re on the topic, here’s something YOU should write down: DAVID ROBINSON is performing at the "REBELS OF COMEDY" show TOMORROW, FRIDAY, MARCH 7th at El Dorado (restaurant) 11777 San Vicente Blvd. Los Angeles, CA 310-207-0150 The show starts at 7:00PM, but you can arrive early to get a good seat and enjoy tasty vittles from south of the border. It’s only $10, and there’s no finer way to get your weekend off to a comedic start. I suppose you could slip on a banana peel for the enjoyment of your friends, but why bother risking bodily harm when such a compelling alternative is at hand? See you tomorrow! Vaya con Carne – Your pal David

 

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