Not to start this week’s rambling on a negative note, but in addition to duct tape and plastic sheeting we might want to pick up hand baskets for our “Terror Alert” safety kits. It might seem like a quaint way of putting a smiley face on an otherwise frightening situation, but I recommend the hand basket because it seems to be the ride of choice for our inevitable trip to Hell. “Oh great,” you’re thinking, here he goes again about the evils of the Bush Administration and America’s role in the Middle East. All in good time, my little pretties. Our latest bus transfer on the long ride down comes with the news that once and future king of the Sweathogs, John Travolta, is negotiating to star in a remake of “Harvey,” the classic Jimmy Stewart film about a lonely, hallucinating alcoholic named Elwood P. Dowd. You may recall the original film in which Stewart’s Dowd palled around with his buddy Harvey, a 6-foot-tall invisible rabbit. What you may not recognize in the new version are the gripping emotional scenes in which Harvey risks his own fragile existence to help his friend clean up by taking Dowd to the detox facilities at the nearest Scientology Center. But before this turns into a classic three-hanky movie, the Blue Fairy arrives and turns Harvey into a real 6-foot-tall rabbit, enlisting Harvey and a newly sober Elwood to save the Earth from the approaching Psychlo aliens and their fearsome leader Terl. And no one believed there would be a sequel to “Battlefield Earth.” Getting back to the “real” battlefield, Earth, let’s take a minute to remember Serbian Prime Minister Zoran Djindjic who was assassinated this week – possibly because of his ongoing battle against organized crime in the Balkan region. Then again, some people believe that despite being on “our side,” Djindjic was taken out as part of President Bush’s plan to replace all foreign leaders whose names he has deemed unpronounceable. Though some critics have condemned Bush’s alleged plan for lack of foresight, a flustered President reportedly scoffed at naysayers telling them, “No one complained about a lack of foresight when we armed the Taliban to fight the Russian Army. Or when we sold missiles and biological and chemical agents to the Iraqis to fight the Iranians. Had we not done this, my approval rating could never have risen as high as it did after the 9-11 terrorist attacks. Meanwhile, our orthodontically challenged friends in the U.K. have set six conditions that Iraq must meet in order to prevent a war. The seventh condition, “. . . to hand write detailed thank you notes to the 15 members of the U.N. security council,” was removed after the United States Government admitted that they had fired our only translators with a high enough security clearance to deal with any correspondence from Saddam Hussein because they’re “a couple of homos,” in the words of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. On the home front, the FBI has warned U.S. law enforcement officials that a war on Iraq could spark increased hate crimes against Arab Americans, Muslim Americans, Americans of Indian or Sikh descent, or anyone resembling these groups physically including, but not limited to, Mexicans, South Americans, Pakistanis, swarthy folks with accents and George Hamilton. I’m not exactly sure what this means, but it does suggest that in America, at least, “Brown” truly is the new “Black.” Speaking of “new,” I’ve got some brand-spankin’ new material that I’ll be debuting NEXT WEDNESDAY, MARCH 19, at the Comedy Union (5040 W Pico Blvd. Los Angeles, CA (323) 934-9300) when I perform as part of the weekly "SHE SHE" COMEDY event. The show is only $8 and it begins at 8:00PM, but you should get there around 7:30 to take advantage of free parking in the lot across the street from the club or you can just park on the street. There is a two drink minimum, but make sure you save some room because the Comedy Union is conveniently located between two of L.A.’s most important contributions to culinary excellence – Oki-Dog and Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles! By the way, after the last rambling (which the short term memory impaired can read here) French Fries and French Toast have been replaced in the Capitol Hill cafeteria by Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast. While they totally missed the point, It’s nice to know that someone is reading these things. See you next Wednesday! Vaya con Carne, Your pal David

 

Click here to return to the archives listing