By the time I take the stage tomorrow night, we will most likely be at war with Iraq. I’m not sure how I feel about this because I don’t really feel that President Bush has done everything in his power to prevent a war in Iraq. The other day, he gave Saddam Hussein and his sons 48 hours to leave Iraq. Hussein scoffed at the offer, but if Bush had thrown in “Beverly Hills Cop,” a deal probably could have been made. Sure, we could go on with more U.N. inspections, but lets be honest folks, I had substitute teachers in grade school who were stricter than the U.N. inspectors. Maybe we need to get some Catholic School nuns to take over for the U.N. inspectors. Not only would they be able to find the illegal weapons, but any Iraqi found chewing gum would have their knuckles soundly beaten with a yardstick. At least we can find comfort in the fact that despite going to war, somehow we will find the strength to let the Oscars go on as planned. Nice to know that while the Hollywood insiders are wondering if “Chicago” or “Gangs of New York” will win more awards, the rest of the nation will be keeping our fingers crossed, hoping for a quick and relatively peaceful solution to the problems in Iraq as we count “The Hours.” Just in case a quick solution isn’t in the cards, we in Los Angeles must do what we can to avoid potential terrorist attacks. While L.A. lacks a centrally located symbol in a highly populated area, such as the target presented by New York’s World Trade Center towers, we can’t disregard the potential for extremely stupid terrorists who believe they’ll cripple our government by attacking the Capitol Records building at Hollywood and Vine. Elsewhere in Hollywoodland, “Sopranos” star James Gandolfini has moved to dismiss a lawsuit he filed against HBO in an attempt to get a raise in salary. Though Hollywood insiders believe that HBO made him an offer he couldn’t refuse, it’s more likely that Gandolfini’s agent dropped by his house with a stack of movies starring David Caruso, Justine Bateman, Luke Perry and several other actors who left successful television shows for a career on the silver screen. And if a double feature of “Jade” and “Satisfaction” can’t convince someone to get back to work, maybe it’s time for a trip to Betty Ford. Meanwhile, justice marches on in Utah where Brian David Mitchell and his wife Wanda Barzee, the couple accused of abducting 15-year-old Elizabeth Smart and holding her for nine months were charged on Tuesday with kidnapping and sexual assault. Though there’s no justification for kidnapping or assault on innocent children, Mitchell said he kidnapped the girl because he had been told by the Lord that he needed to get seven new wives. While I don’t support the idea of polygamous marriages, having seen pictures of Barzee, I can understand why he would want at least one new wife. And if you want to hear some new comedy material (like, jokes, y’know?) in a new setting, then you should be at M Bar (1253 N. Vine St. Hollywood, CA 90038 323-856-0036 – in the strip mall at the SW corner of Fountain and Vine) TOMORROW NIGHT, WEDNESDAY, MARCH 19th when DAVID ROBINSON will be performing as part of the “She She Comedy Show.” It’s only $5 and there will be a DJ spinning music after the show for your dancing enjoyment. A dinner reservation is recommended and can be made by dialing the number listed above. See you at M Bar! Vaya con Carne – Your pal David

 

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