“This is what we waited for. This is it, boys, this is war.” - Nena “99 Red Balloons” At least it is now. When it began Wednesday night, White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer said that the “disarming of Iraq” had begun. Made sense to me. I mean, when diplomacy failed, we had no choice but to disarm the Iraqi army by prompting them to propel any ammunition the UN Weapons inspectors had let slide in the general direction of our troops. Any means necessary, right? But then George W. Bush treated us to his best Martin Sheen impression to let us know that the war had truly started. While the message was clear, the impression was a failure unless you’ve ever wondered what it would look like if a chimp portrayed President Bartlett on “The West Wing.” Not to be outdone, Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein took to the airwaves wearing Harry Caray glasses reading from a notebook. Or was it Saddam Hussein? Media speculated that the man we saw on television might actually be one of Hussein’s many body doubles. Because the Iraqi dictator appeared only on videotape (the preferred medium of 4 out of 5 insane tyrants), it was also posited that it might have been Saddam Hussein, but maybe the message had been videotaped in advance of the attack. President Bush is anxiously awaiting the DVD release of Hussein’s tape, believing that he’ll gain further insight from the commentary track or any Easter eggs he finds on the disc. And now the media are telling us that Hussein could be injured, he could be dead, or he could be somewhere out there (sorry, Feivel.) Didn’t they try this before with Osama Bin Laden? And lo and behold, he turned out to be just fine – still frolicking in the hills and caves of Afghanistan. Or Pakistan. Or possibly Iraq. But we’re sure he’s not in Saudi Arabia. Unless he is. So forgive me for doubting the cheering masses, but I’m not going to celebrate our successful liberation of Iraq until I see Saddam Hussein in a coffin, in prison garb, or (most likely) enjoying a life of opulence and exile on the French Riviera. But with all these Hussein doubles out there, how are we going to know if we actually kill Saddam Hussein? If cop shows and disaster movies have taught us anything, we know that Hussein would have to be identified by his dental records. So while we’re at it, shouldn’t we be looking for Hussein’s dentist? Just a thought. And what will become of the Hussein body doubles? I’m guessing that’s going to be one hell of an annual reunion. And when it’s discovered that Hussein actually escaped Iraq in the guise of one of his body doubles? Well, I can only guess that that’s going to be one hell of a Tom Clancy min-series. And as long as we’re taking the tangent to orbiting thought bubbles, I gotta ask - where has Laura Bush been through all this? No doubt she’s being a good Texan mother and stocking the White House bomb shelter with enough liquor to keep the twins happy for at least a year. She’s going to have to find a new source for the Xanax that keeps her at a level cruising altitude though, because her niece Noelle hasn't been able to get any quality stuff since her stint in rehab. Meanwhile, as France continues to oppose the war, two vials of the poison ricin were discovered at a central Paris subway station. So much for covering your ass, Jacques. At the risk of sounding like any jingoistic e-mail that’s been circulating since shortly after 9/11, maybe you can use the smoke from the American flags y’all are burning in protest to gauge the wind direction when the terrorists let loose the Kraken. To quote a wiser man than I, “Qu'est que c'est fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fire.” On the plus side, maybe when this whole Iraq thing blows over, we can trade Jerry Lewis and the Dixie Chicks to the French for their collective weight in whine and cheese. Not that I think the Dixie Chicks should be punished for the anti-Bush comments of lead singer Natalie Maines, but their music on the other hand . . . So while the allied attacks of “Shock and Awe” (Shock: “Holy crap, that last bomb hit the garage!” Awe: “Aw, I only had two payments left on that car!”) continue, I offer my support to our troops around the world. Not because I support the war, but rather because I also have worked for people with no direction and even less common sense. Besides, for a country that has witnessed the Supreme court appointment of President Bush, his appointment of John Ashcroft as Attorney General and their subsequent whittling away at civil liberties in the name of “Homeland Security,” isn’t it about time we started exporting the “Shock and Awe” that we’ve all been dealing with for the past two years? Vaya con Carne – Your pal David

 

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