As the big battles marking the major chapters of the current war draw to a close and we help Iraq to it’s beaten feet, the capture of Abu Abbas (“ . . . He’s the greatest dancer!”) brings our army’s latest technological advancement – a deck of cards depicting terrorist and Iraqi leaders currently on the lam – down to 51. This may explain why the rallying cry of coalition forces these days is “Go fish!” In the spirit of all the approaching concurrent holiday seasons for multiple faiths, we take a moment to look back as we look forward and think about the lasting effects of the nation’s War on Terror. For one thing, the price of gas has leveled out somewhere about 3,000 feet above sea level. Does anyone remember an e-mail that made the circuits that basically explained how good we have it in America, so sit down and shut up? Among other issues, it mentioned that gas prices around the world were at least twice what we pay in America. If you have that e-mail saved, you might want to do a little copyediting and change that to 1 1/2 times what we pay, or whatever the fraction would be. And who can forget how Americans, despite differences in our beliefs about the President and whether we should be in Iraq, united behind the common cause of hating the French. We went so far as to change the name of various food items to show our disdain. Like “French fries” are now “Freedom fries.” “French toast” is now “Freedom Toast.” And a “French dip” is now known as Jacques Chirac. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not jumping on the bandwagon of patriotism that’s recently turned many Americans against France. I’ve had issues with France for a long time. But now that everyone’s on board with me, I’m finally free to speak my mind. Because we all know what can happen to entertainers who speak out against the war in Bush and Ashcroft’s America. But getting back to France, it was a bit of an insult when they stiffed us at the U.N., and recently the French launched a cultural attack on the United States of America. This attack is the beginning of a three-year campaign to convert “Proud, Righteous Americans”* into sniveling, cheese-eatin’ pieces of quiche just . . . like . . . them. That’s right, for the next three years the French will defile one of our nation’s most precious and stunning natural landmarks – Las Vegas – when Celine Dion is unleashed upon an unsuspecting public in an auditorium that has been specially designed to lull the American public into a frenzy of something frenzied with a certain je ne sais quoi. After the proven success of the Paris Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, France knew the town was ready to be taken over. I can already hear some of you saying, “But she’s not French, Celine is French-CANADIAN.” You obviously aren’t aware of the vast Canadian conspiracy that has been sneaking up on us for years. True, approximately 2/3 of the country isn’t aware that they’re part of an evil plan to invade the United States, but they’re held in a trancelike state by their superior beers. The “active” third of the population are mostly confined to the easternmost portion of Canada, a province known as Quebec. Can you say that? Q-u-e-b-e-c. Good! By isolating themselves geographically, they’ve filled their population with a maniacal sense of geographic pride while encouraging the people to speak in some crazy language that makes very little sense to those of us who took Spanish in high school. Basically, Quebec is Canada’s Texas. And every once in a while, like Texas, they get their panties in a bunch and threaten to secede. So the rest of Canada becomes Quebec’s bitch and gets down on their knees like a bunch of Catholic schoolgirls, praying that Quebec doesn’t leave them, and telling Quebec how they’ll change – this time they really will, because they love Quebec! And if Quebec left, they’d never be able to find another province like Quebec. And besides, if Quebec leaves, are they willing to take Nova Scotia with them? Because Canada isn’t building any tunnel under Quebec, so Canada can get to Nova Scotia without being threatened with a restraining order. Evidence of the conspiracy? Take a look at one of the “new” $20 bills. Down in the lower right corner on the back side is a big “20” that doesn’t really match the rest of the printing on the bill. But you know what it does look like? That’s right – just like the “20” on a Canadian $20 bill! And if Hunter S. Thompson and The X-Files have taught us anything, they’ve taught us that the only people who are righteous enough to have the clarity that allows them to see the truth are biker gangs and Indians. And who are the only two peoples to constantly threaten the safety and solidarity of Quebec? That’s right, biker gangs and Indians. But why would the majority of our placid, yet freaky, neighbors to the North stand by idly as their fur tradin’, beaver trappin’, French speaking countrymen set out to attack America? Is the veil of Canadian disinformation that has many Americans convinced that Canada is “boring” finally beginning to slip? No, it’s because the Canadians know that global warming is an American conspiracy to melt the polar ice caps and make northernmost Canada habitable so an ever-increasing American population could eventually push their way across traditionally Canadian borders and annex the southernmost 1/3 of their territory. But why on Earth would America so callously be forming a contingency plan to venture north? This also is the fault of the French. Have you ever been to the Statue of Liberty? What does it say on the base? “Give us your poor, your tired, your weak . . .” and who gave us the Statue of Liberty? That’s right, it was a gift from the French. Sort of a French Trojan Horse. Or a Frojan Horse. And why did they give us the Statue? Because it had a poem on the base that advertised an open door policy for the poor, tired and week. They sure as hell didn’t want them. And while some may see this as a good move on the part of the French, in reality no one makes a better army than the poor, the tired and the week. Well, maybe not the tired and the week, but the poor certainly make a great army. Think about it – these are folks that fight their whole lives for the slightest scraps of food, shelter and dignity. They’re practically made to be soldiers! But that’s a totally different government conspiracy. Let’s focus on what’s in front of us. We got the poor that the French didn’t want. And they’re out there kicking ass for America. For crappy wages. Which keeps ‘em poor. Which keeps ‘em fighting. Which is good for America. But is the French offense limited to America? Of course not, the French offend lots of people. And their subversive cultural influence is seen in other places around the globe. Like the Basque region in Spain. But we’ll address that topic in another essay when we “liberate” Spain. So don’t hold your breath. Unless there’s a French guy in your vicinity. *“Proud Righteous Americans” is a registered trademark of the Enron Corporation See you Monday! Vaya con Carne – David

 

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