Folks, these are the times that history is made of. Either history or Time-Life books. This week, Donald Rumsfeld was in Afghanistan to announce that we were calling an end to major conflict in Afghanistan. Meanwhile, halfway across the world, Rumsfeld’s boss President George W. Bush was declaring an end to major conflict in Iraq. Coincidence? Read the book! Yes, President Bush made history – not because of the content of his address to the nation this week, but rather because he hitched a ride on a Navy fighter jet and landed on an aircraft carrier to get to the place where he was delivering the speech. This is most likely due to the Bush administration thinking the nation is concerned with the President’s modes of transportation. In reality, we’ve been referring to the 2000 elections and Bush’s ascendance to the presidency when we’ve repeatedly asked, “How the hell did he get there?!?” But Bush did become the first President to land on an aircraft carrier this week, and he entered a personal “first-timer’s club.” when he made it all the way through his speech without mispronouncing any of the big words. Bush’s flight was also symbolic in that the pilot was nice enough to let President Bush fly the plane for a little bit, but he was also smart enough not to let him land the plane. Hell, with George W. Bush as their Commander in Chief, it’s no wonder everyone is praying for our troops. But our presence in Iraq goes on, and it’s obvious that we’ve still got some cleaning up to do in the newly liberated country. The lives of Iraqi civilians were endangered this week because they were inside a fuel depot looting gasoline when a major fire broke out, American troops held off an angry mob that included relatives of the trapped looters. As the mob chanted, “America is the enemy,” our invading forces prevented crazed Iraqis from running into the blazing depot. It seems that the Iraqi people just wanted to take advantage of American military muscle to help unseat Saddam Hussein and now that he’s gone, they want occupying U.S. forces to leave their troubled land so they can get back to rebuilding their cities and blaming everything on Israel. Official reports say the fire at the depot was probably caused by Iraqi citizens who fired their guns into the air in celebration of the return of Baghdad’s electricity. It may sound cocky to say that this would never happen in America, but it’s true. Because in America, we wouldn’t have time to be shooting our guns into the air in celebration because we’d be too busy trying to post all the crap we looted from government buildings on e-Bay. Just like we’d expect any “civilized” people to do. And this week the National Amber Alert law was passed, making the country even safer for the children. I’m really getting sick of “for the children” being used as a blanket excuse for the dumbing down of America. Why can’t my arthritic grandparents open their pain relieving medicine? Because the bottle caps have been made safer . . . “for the children.” Why does Las Vegas suck nearly as bad as Branson, Missouri? Because it’s become more family friendly . . . “for the children.” Why did the Supreme Court appoint George W. Bush as President of the United States? So the parents of retarded kids could tell their children that they too could someday be President. But “for the children” isn’t a universally applicable phrase. For instance, when the cops stop you outside of the liquor store and ask why you’re buying all that beer. Or when the checkout girl at Ralphs asks why you’re buying Halloween candy, rat poison and razor blades. Or when someone asks why your neighbor, the birthday party clown, has been digging holes in his crawlspace. In these cases and many others, “for the children” is not an acceptable answer. So while the government is keeping themselves busy putting metaphorical safety plugs into the creative outlets of the citizenry, pop culture responds by giving us underage sex symbols like Britney . . . and Christina . . . and the Olsen Twins who seem to captivate young men with some blend of innocence and sexuality and their Corky-like eyes that say to me, “I like pudding!” Olsen Twins . . . I just don’t get that one. But the point is that “for the children” has made it safe for the Government to start chipping away at many of our other freedoms, but instead of “the children,” this is for “National Security.” Sure, there are times when it’s appropriate for our leaders to make unpopular decisions for the safety of our children or our country. But when we no longer ask them to justify exactly what benefits their actions will have, we also tell them that they don’t have to justify the costs. However, I don’t want to leave you with the impression that all this humorous, yet inflammatory, rhetoric means that I consider myself proud to be called a liberal. Because this week, I’m as proud of being considered a liberal as most Arab-Americans were proud of their lineage on September 12th, 2001. Not to say that I won’t stand up for what I believe in, just that I’m a bit embarrassed to be lumped in with a few yahoos that are making the rest of us look bad. Because this week, a bunch of reactionary idiots are trying to change American history books to remove the phrase “Founding Fathers” or at least balance it with the phrase “Founding Mothers.” Not that I think women had no valuable input in the formation of our nation, but rather that because of the zeitgeist of the late 1700s the menfolk got all the props, despite the contributions of their better halves. I don’t care what made it into the newspapers of their day or the history books of my youth. If you want to believe that colonial chicks kept their opinions to themselves behind closed doors any more than trailer park denizens do on syndicated talk shows today, I‘m guessing that we might also have to sit down and clarify a few things about Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and cookies that are allegedly baked by tree-dwelling elves. I mean, wouldn’t our schools – and our nation’s future, by extension – be better served by teaching our kids about the Founding Fathers as well as the fight that’s still being waged by women, homosexuals and religious and racial minorities to get equal seating at the grown-up table of American Government? The children of America need to learn this from the adults they look up to at an early age so they can learn how to change the system from within. Sure, we could let them learn how unfair life can be on the playground or while playing dodgeball in gym class, but when we ask why they finally break down and bring guns to school to show the bullies just how unfair life can be we’ll these kids had access to guns because some Americans need to have guns in their homes to keep them safe. “For the children.” Sure, our Bill of Rights guarantees our right to keep and bear arms, but with that right comes great responsibility. And when individuals show that they can’t handle that responsibility, then maybe those individuals need to have those particular rights reined in just a bit. It doesn’t take a genius to know that guns aren’t for children to bring to school. Guns are for adults to take out when they’ve had a few drinks and they’re really angry. And if you’d like to have a few drinks without getting angry while you get away from the kids, the guns and the kids with guns come down to the COMEDY UNION (5040 W Pico Blvd. Los Angeles CA (323) 934-9300, just west of La Brea - right between Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles and Oki-Dog) when DR. DAVID ROBINSON will be performing as part of the “She-She Comedy Night” THIS WEDNESDAY, MAY 7th at 8:00PM. Make sure you get there early to take advantage of the free parking lot across the street from the venue. There’s also free street parking available in the area. Just take a right at the kid on the corner with the gun and keep your head down and your spirits up! See you Wednesday! Vaya con Carne – Your pal David

 

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