Several weeks back, I wrote about the vast French conspiracy to overtake the United States, in part through their assimilation of Las Vegas. Though some scoffed and many more ignored my warnings, it has been announced that Celine Dion is recording a new album - an album that will consist completely of songs performed in French. And I'm guessing that some of the same folks who trashed their Dixie Chicks albums after Natalie Mains told a London audience that she was ashamed to come from the same state as President George W. Bush will be among the first in line waiting for Wal-Mart to open the day the new Celine Dion album goes on sale. Who knows, they might even stop off at Carl's Jr. for some freedom fries on the way home. Of course, the destructive force of a French-Canadian pop singer is nothing compared to the destructive forces of nature and time. Those forces were hard at work earlier this month in New Hampshire when the state's best known landmark, The Old Man of the Mountain, collapsed. But perhaps time and nature weren't the only culprits at hand. Consider the history of the Old Man. The natural landmark, which resembled the profile of an old man, became a symbol of New Hampshire after its discovery in 1805 and has since appeared on the state's official seal, their stationary, license plates and highway signs. All was fine until the year 2000 when the Old Man was depicted on the new quarter honoring New Hampshire's statehood. At the advanced age of 195, this was just too much pressure for the Old Man, and ultimately the added pressure took it's toll. But don't worry about the Old Man - if his people are able to put the right spin on his collapse, he'll be back next year with a new talk show or infomercial. President Bush has pledged his support to the Old Man - probably because everyone thinks he's been living in the Old Man's shadow for the entirety of his political career - and announced that in retaliation for the Old Man's collapse Coalition troops will soon invade Syria and North Korea. When told that Syria and North Korea probably had nothing to do with the destruction of the natural landmark, Bush replied, "Like Iraq had anything to do with the World Trade Center?" And as we bemoan the demise of the Old Man, we can find security that our nation's courts are soon to decide whether Oreo cookies are unsafe for consumption by children. It's true - a British born lawyer in San Francisco is proposing that because of their high trans fat content, Oreos should be removed from store shelves due to the danger they present to America’s lethargic youth. OREOS, people! Well, I for one thank my lucky stars that finally someone is speaking out about the true hazards that Americans are confronted with on a daily basis rather than the usual smoke screen . Someone finally has the courage to address the real menace! No more of this B.S. about cigarettes, alcohol, guns, drugs . . . the usual suspects – we’re going after the true troublemaker – cookies! There is the possibility, however, that this attack on trans fats is the result of misplaced aggression from supporters of Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, who recently compared homosexuality to "prostitution, adultery, necrophilia, bestiality, possession of child pornography and even incest and pedophilia." Someone needs to tell the Senator that the “trans fats” he opposes are on Santa Monica Boulevard late at night – not in sandwich cookies. If he doesn’t believe you, just tell him to ask Eddie Murphy. To his benefit, Santorum did wind up apologizing for his comments about homosexuality. Santorum said that while he doesn’t have a problem with homosexuals, he has a problem with homosexual acts, to which gay civil rights leaders responded, “Use more lube and really get your hands in there.” And you should get your hands and the rest of yourselves into EL DORADO, (restaurant) 11777 San Vicente Blvd. Los Angeles, CA 310-207-0150. TONIGHT at 7:30PM. Good comedy and cheap beers in a community that’s safe from homicidal Heisman winners. See you tonight! Vaya con Carne – Your pal David

 

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