Though the war in Iraq has officially been declared over, increased terrorist threats have caused President Bush to raise the national terror alert system to condition orange. As anyone in Los Angeles knows, this indicates a heightened sense of alert because even the guys selling oranges at freeway off-ramps could be terrorists. Elsewhere in the world of agrarian discord, this week Canada reported its first case of mad cow disease in ten years. The disease was detected in a cow in Fairview, Alberta, which has left scientists struggling to figure out how Anna Nicole Smith was able to get all the way to Alberta without being detected. And now that the Lakers won’t be detected in this year’s NBA playoffs, L.A. sportscasters have been searching for a suitable replacement story – one that, like this year’s Lakers squad, has more hype than substance. Lucky for them, they found one in the world’s best female golfer, Annika Sorenstam, who this week became the first woman in 58 years to play against men in a PGA event. Though many people believe that it’s not proper for a woman to play in a men’s tournament, there are even more who take umbrage at Sorenstam’s admission to the tournament without a “powder puff” style hazing. Because we all know that nothing motivates our nation’s athletes like getting crap dumped all over them. This tradition has been watered down over the years, but is still observed every time a triumphant coach retires to the locker room to cleanse his Gatorade soaked carcass. And in the latest development in the high school girls “powder puff” hazing incident, the thirty-one students accused have been offered a deal that will allow them to graduate on time if they won't fight expulsion or try to exploit the incident with a book or movie deal. Attorneys for the accused girls are suggesting that they take the deal because it will still allow them to appear on TV reality shows. Keep your fingers crossed that the entire ordeal will work itself out . . . during sweeps next fall on a very special, “ripped from the headlines” episode of “Fear Factor.” While we’ve come to expect lies from high school students and the lawyers they hire, dishonesty didn’t used to evoke thoughts of the New York Times. All that has changed since reporter Jayson Blair was accused of routinely lying and plagiarizing for stories that appeared in the Times. Though Blair left the Times, he has scored a million dollar book deal and can probably look forward to making millions more on the public speaking circuit. Then again, Blair may want to reconsider the offers that are currently on his plate now that White House spokesman Ari Fleischer has announced his retirement. While this position might not put Blair’s creativity to use, his dishonesty will surely benefit the administration as legitimate journalists are forced into reallocating time that would have been spent on reporting verifying anything uttered by Blair in the White House press room. Of course under the current climate made possible by the Bush administration, any reporters who doubt the veracity of any White House statements are unpatriotic and cannot be trusted. Or so they would have you believe. Then again, there are “journalists” like Geraldo Rivera who insist on becoming the story themselves. On his decision to have a reform Jewish ceremony for his upcoming fifth wedding, Rivera said, "I'm making a conscious decision to take this whole Judaism thing seriously. I think the Jews need me right now." Aah yes, after more than 5000 years of persecution Geraldo is exactly what the Jews of the world have been crying out for. Personally I’d prefer a nice, lean pastrami sandwich, however he could be on to something. With the Israel-Palestinian conflict reaching new levels of violence, now when someone blames the Jews for the world’s problems, we can rest secure in the knowledge that they’re talking about Geraldo – not the rest of us. It should be an interesting wedding reception, though – when the celebrants cry out “Three cheers for Geraldo,” we can be assured that two of the chairs will be used to hoist Rivera and his bride into the air while the guests dance a manic hora around them, and the third chair will be reserved for the bridge of Geraldo’s nose. And there will be a chair waiting for you at the IMPROV (8162 Melrose Ave., Los Angeles, CA 323-651-2583) on Tuesday, May 27th at 8:00PM if you call in your reservation to see DAVID ROBINSON perform in the “Rebels of Comedy” show! A full night of comedy and a full bar at the ready – what more could you ask for? Valet parking? Not a problem. Good company? Bring your friends. All of ‘em! World peace? Ok, I’m the comedian here, folks. Let’s do as the playas do and try to keep it real, yo. See you next Tuesday! Vaya con Carne – Your pal David

 

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