It was slightly ironic that our appointed President chose to address the nation on a Monday at the peak of May Sweeps, dont'cha think? None of the major networks chose to air the speech, so anyone who tried tuning in for the Presidential address may have become as confused as W. himself tends to be. Don't believe me? Well, answer me this, Mr. Wizard; what the fuck is Abu Garob? I know everyone makes mistakes, but shouldn't we still hold the President to a higher standard when the conflict doesn't involve a blowjob from an intern? How about we start with the basics – try staying on the bike, George. If you didn't hear the speech, Bush laid out a “Five Point Plan” for helping Iraq to achieve democracy and freedom. You could tell he got some help with the final draft of the plan because his original “Five Point Plan” included taking the Iraqis to market, having some roast beef and crying “Wee wee wee!” All the way home. In an effort to fix America’s damaged image in Iraq, Bush said the United States would tear down Abu Ghraib with Iraqi approval after building a modern, maximum-security prison. With bigger, better torture rooms. And no cameras. Definitely, no cameras. I’m embarrassed to admit that when I was first tuning into the President's speech, I mistakenly turned on NBC. I realized I was watching Fear Factor when the horse's rectum was being devoured instead of addressing the nation. Upon finding the President's speech, I was reminded of an episode of The Swan in which the contestant didn't qualify for the big pageant. Like the war in Iraq, they had something ugly, spent a shitload of money trying to pretty it up, and wound up with something that was still too fuckin' ugly to compete. However, unlike the aftermath from The Swan, no one will be asking the President when he dumped the ugly chick and hooked up with the cross dresser. Odds are still pretty good, though, that people will continue to ask the First Lady to autograph her picture on the cover of Whitley Strieber's Communion. In a somewhat related story, producers of an anti-Bush ad for MoveOn.org chose not to use images of tortured prisoners at Abu Ghraib, saying the use would merely exploit the prisoners. The images will instead appear in an ad for Snickers candy bars, which have recently been advertised in a campaign blaming hunger for poor judgment. Turning to the glamorous world of Hollywood, there’s good and bad news on the relationship front. I hate to be the one to tell you, but rap artist/actor Snoop Dog has filed for divorce. Snoop says he’ll totally mizzle his wizzle, but believes the decision to split is really for the bizzle. On the happier end of things, actress Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband Chris Martin, of the band Coldplay, welcomed their first daughter into the world this month, naming her Apple. Paltrow and Martin said they plan to continue naming their children after fruits, explaining that if their next child is a boy, they'll name him Elton John. And while we’re on the topic of celebrities “having children,” you may have heard the Santa Barbara DA's concerns that Michael Jackson might be planning to flee the country. Jackson's people disagreed, reminding the public that the King of Pop doesn't jump bail - he jumps 10-year-olds. And things'll be jumpin' at 8:00PM this Saturday night at El Dorado (11777 San Vicente Blvd. Brentwood, CA 90049 - 310-207-0150) where the food is spicy and the comedy is hot! (Sometimes the other way around. Discuss.) Seating begins at 7:30PM and you can enjoy a tasty Mexican meal before or during the show, not to mention the extra delicious drink specials. So, grab your homies and make your way to Brentwood this Saturday to get your night started off comedically! See you Saturday! Vaya con Carne – Your pal David

 

Click here to return to the archives listing