This week saw the passing of a great American. A man whose contributions not just to America, but also to the world, will live on to inspire future generations for years to come. That man was Ray Charles. Oh, and President Reagan died too. And like a final gift to the Republican Party, Reagan's death couldn't have come at a better time. Just when the "liberal press" uncovers a memo from the White House defining torture and explaining how much is allowed, President Reagan provides the smoke and mirrors to distract our attention away from the far right. For the record, the memo defines butchery as "What President Bush does to the English language," while torture is defined as "Listening to him do it." And on the weekend Ronald Reagan died, along with the countless baseball games being played were major sporting events such as the near end of the Stanley Cup Finals, the beginning of the NBA finals, the Belmont Stakes and the De La Hoya fight. Among all these competitions, how many coaches do you suppose urged their athletes to "win just one for the Gipper"? Probably not as many as there were professional athletes asking themselves, "What the hell is a Gipper?" Look, I’m not saying that Reagan’s presidency had no positive effects, but I’m not going to mourn him as the greatest thing that ever happened to America either.  We learned some very important lessons from Reagan’s two terms; For example, trees cause pollution and ketchup is a vegetable.  Of course, ketchup got the last laugh, though over the past ten years, many agreed that it was in extremely poor taste for ketchup to keep joking about Reagan, mocking the former President with cries of “Who’s the vegetable NOW?!?!”  True, there were some lessons that never sank in as Reagan’s Republican successors to the throne attempted to resurrect the Strategic Defense Initiative – the defense system commonly known as “Star Wars.”  Not only have countless studies shown that SDI won’t work but since Reagan left office, we’ve also learned that pretty much anything with the name “Star Wars” is gonna out and out suck the big one. But we've spent enough of this past week hearing about a man who fired all the air traffic controllers and still managed to get an airport named after himself. There were other distractions from the torture memo and Secretary of State Colin Powell's admission of huge mistakes in a recent State Department report declaring a decline in terrorism. How can we possibly concern ourselves with boring stuff like that when criminal mastermind Courtney Love is out prowling the streets? In addition to her pending drug and disorderly conduct charges in L.A. and her pending assault charge in New York, Love turned herself in to Los Angeles police this past weekend on yet more assault charges. While Courtney Love concentrates her efforts on the coasts, folks in the Midwest have had to settle for other destructive forces of nature such as tornadoes and tennis ball sized hail. Speaking of forces of nature, the Olsen Twins turned 18 this past weekend, indirectly making pedophiles around the world into run of the mill, average, creepy old dudes. I have to admit, I've never found the Olsen Twins sexually attractive, but I understand why some guys do. I mean, they're twins. But I think their real edge over other hot twins is that they sound like triplets. "Mary, Kate and Ashley. . ." See what I'm saying? Sounds like there's three of 'em. And in honor of the Olsen Twins newfound ability to vote, you've got two chances to see the comedy of Dr. David Robinson this week! The "Mary-Kate" performance this Wednesday, 6/16/04 in the 9:00PM "Comedy Jones" show at El Cid (4212 W Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles, CA. 323-668-0318), and the "Ashley" performance at midnight on Friday 6/18/04 in "The Jim Coughlin Comedy Show" at Improv Olympic West Theatre (6366 Hollywood Blvd, Hollywood, CA. 323-962-7560) No drink minimums at either show, but if you drink, drink responsibly. Or at least wear a tie. Then people will just think you're responsible. Plus, your mug shot will look extra classy if you get pulled over for a DUI. See you Soon! Vaya con Carne – Your pal David

 

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