The New York Post caught some heat earlier this week when they ran the headline “KERRY PICKS GEPHARDT” before presidential candidate John Kerry tapped North Carolina Senator John Edwards as his running mate. In this post Stephen Glass/Jayson Blair world of shoddy journalism, a correction on page 2 would have sufficed, but many believe that Post publisher Rupert Murdoch only exacerbated the situation when the next day’s paper featured the headline: “MURDOCH TO GEPHARDT: YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D!” Of course, the Democrats aren’t the only ones in the news; last week, Vice President Cheney told Vermont Senator Pat Leahy to “Go fuck [him] self” on the floor of the Senate. Cheney later apologized, saying he was just practicing his speech for the inauguration. And elsewhere in Washington last week, the FDA approved the use of leeches in medical treatment. Folks, this is happening under the same administration that is banning stem cell research. I’m not saying that the FDA under Bush has a propensity for great leaps backwards, but this week my HMO announced that they would approve drowning as an acceptable treatment for witchcraft and/or adultery. But Americans aren’t the only ones fortunate enough to feel the effects of the Bush Administration - Taliban militants killed 14 Afghani citizens last week in Afghanistan for registering to vote. President George W. Bush appeared shocked by the news, asking, “Why didn’t we think of that?!?” The President’s concerns were allayed, however when campaign advisor Karl Rove reminded him that most Americans don’t vote. Turning to the other side of the Bush Empire, Saddam Hussein appeared before an Iraqi tribunal last week in a preliminary hearing that took place in one of Hussein’s own former palaces. Though Hussein identified himself as the President of Iraq and asserted that Kuwait is part of Iraq, he did try to curry favor with the judges, at one point pausing, looking around and telling them, “I LOVE what you’ve done with the place!” Back on the home front, an animal that tested positive for mad cow disease in a new rapid screening test has turned out to be uninfected, according to the Agriculture Department. A chief veterinarian from the USDA said that because the animal turned out to not have mad cow disease, no further information will be released on its location, though experts believe it will continue appearing in advertisements for Trimspa and the occasional special for the E! Network. In closing, I’d like to remind you that Isaac Newton’s first law of motion states that bodies in motion stay in motion and bodies at rest stay at rest, unless acted upon by a force. Conversely, the LAPD law of motion is that bodies in motion stay at rest, when acted upon by a force equipped with large metal flashlights. And while you won’t be resting, you can kick back and relax with some free comedy this month on Wednesday, July 7th at 8:00PM when Dr. David Robinson appears in a FREE show at Gotham Hall (1431 Third Street Promenade, Santa Monica, CA. 310-394-8865) and again at 8:00PM on Tuesday, July 20th when the comedy is free with a two drink minimum at The Comedy Store’s Belly Room (8433 W. Sunset Blvd., Los Angeles, CA. 323-650-6268)! Bring your friends and enjoy an evening of the funny at a price that can’t be beat! See you Soon! Vaya con Carne – Your pal David

 

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