Justifying the war in Iraq, President Bush said that if he "had to make a choice between listening to a madman and defending America, [he]'d choose to defend America." Meaning, of course, that President Bush is America's only line of defense against Vice President Dick Cheney. In a rare display of common sense, Congress decided not to try and amend the Constitution to ban gay marriage. Lots of conservatives are threatened by the idea of gay marriage, and I think I know why - because with a divorce rate above 50%, they're afraid homosexuals will be better at the whole marriage thing. Meanwhile, in Saudi Arabia, one week after U.S. authorities called off the search for the body of kidnapped and decapitated American hostage Paul M. Johnson Jr., Johnson’s head was found in a freezer at the secret hideout of the Saudi al-Qaida chief. In response, President Bush has expanded the search for Iraqi WMDs to Saddam Hussein’s refrigerator crisper drawers. Back here at home, California fire officials announced this week that The Foothill Fire near Santa Clarita, California was caused by a red-tailed hawk that apparently was electrocuted by power lines and fell to the ground, igniting brush that has not burned since 1962. In a decisive move to court California voters, President Bush urged the secretary of the interior to ban all birds from federal and state controlled forests. When asked if he was concerned about possible negative impact of his decision, President Bush responded, "I'm not too worried. Like the average American, most birds don't vote." Also spreading like wildfire, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger made the headlines this week when he called democratic legislators “girly men” when they refused to pass his faulty state budget. Though some were slightly upset, most of the legislators felt that coming from someone who abused steroids for so many years that his nutsack looks like a couple of shriveled raisins, “girly man” wasn’t such a horrible insult. On the other side of the country, the Pilgrim's Pride Corporation is investigating workers at their West Virginia poultry plant after a PETA video showed workers ripping off chickens' beaks, spitting tobacco into their mouths and eyes, stomping and kicking the birds, and squeezing them with such force "that the birds expelled feces." In a related story, Michael Jackson has offered top dollar for any video depicting young boys “choking the chicken.” Speaking of Michael Jackson, the King of Pop is allegedly going to be the father to a Florida model’s quadruplets. Jackson is very excited, saying that he’s never had that many children . . . at the same time. As you may know, Jackson calls his youngest son “Blanket,” apparently because it takes significantly less time to say “Blanket” than it does to say, “The thing I wipe my cock on after fucking.” In that spirit, Jackson is already considering nicknames for the quadruplets. Some of the names he’s considering include “Kleenex,” “Ol’ Dirty Tube Sock,” “Crack Whore’s Hair Weave,” and “Jizzrag.” But before the quadruplets are born, you’re invited to join me and a bunch of L.A.’s most promising new comedians when we perform at 8:00PM at The Scene Cocktail Lounge (806 E Colorado St, Glendale, CA 818-241-7029) on Wednesday, August 4th! Glendale’s hippest rock and roll hang is now the home to some of the freshest comedy in town. Check it out on the 4th and when your friends tell you about their “new comedy discovery” late next month, you can show them just how cool you are when you say that you’ve known about the scene at The Scene for a while. If you want to be even cooler than that, bring your friends, co-workers, family members and any visiting dignitaries who cross your path to the show with you! See you on Wednesday! Vaya con Carne – Your pal David

 

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