If you didn’t catch any of the action from the Democratic National Convention or keep an eye on the news this past week, you’ll be pleased to know that Al Sharpton graciously accepted the party’s nomination and is looking forward to taking the Presidency back for the people in November. But the big surprise of the night came when former Senator Max Cleland (D-GA) got up and performed a piece from Riverdance, topping his performance off with a brilliant exhibition of his juggling skills, hoisting a 12 lb. bowling ball, a running chainsaw and a live chicken into the air with the grace of Baryshnikov. A truly beautiful, patriotic sight. And if you believe any of that, pick up a freakin’ newspaper, chum. Readers of the New York Post, of course, know that I’m only joking – the Democrats actually nominated Dick Gephardt. The convention was held in Boston at the Fleet Center, named for corporate sponsor Fleet brand enema bags, to remind Democrats of what the Bush Administration has been doing to our nation for the past three-and-a-half years while trying to pass a Constitutional amendment that would prevent individuals who do the same to each other from marrying. As indicated by the Fleet Center hosting the event, if they’re able to defeat Bush in November, the Democrats will still be left holding the bag. During his acceptance speech at the convention last week, Democratic candidate John Kerry took several opportunities to mention the three Purple Hearts he was awarded for his service in Vietnam. Not to be outdone, President Bush was quick to point out his yellow moons, blue diamonds and green clovers. In the surest sign that George W. Bush could be elected for real this time around, American Idol reject William Hung is releasing a Christmas album. Though initial sales for the record are expected to be strong based on its novelty, the label expects the album to sell consistently throughout the future, citing its efficacy as a teaching tool for non-Christian families to use in explaining to their kids why it’s good that they don’t celebrate Christmas. Tom Ridge, Secretary of Homeland Security, has announced that he might step down from his appointed position after the election in November. President Bush has asked Ridge to make his decision before the election so that way when Bush names his replacement, he can also take credit for creating a job opportunity for Americans. Ridge is leaving his $175,700 a year job so he can find a job that will allow him to afford to put his teenage kids through college. Yeah, I’d definitely say this shows that the current administration is in touch with the priorities of the average American. Fearing that they’re letting terrorists who kidnap civilian coalition allies “hijack” the airwaves, some international news organizations are refusing to show videotapes of terrorists threatening the kidnap victims and listing their demands. In an effort to live up to their slogan of “Fair and Balanced,” Fox News has compromised, saying they’ll continue to air the terrorists’ videos, but only after adding wacky sound effects ala “America’s Funniest Home Videos.” In a related story, an Al Qaeda linked group has given Italy 15 days to pull troops out of Iraq. Famed Italian spaghetti western soundtrack composer Ennio Morricone is expected to provide the music for the eventual standoff. Officials at the Miss America Pageant have announced that they will discontinue the talent competition in order to keep viewers entertained. Though former winners of the pageant have complained, pageant officials say they’re going ahead with the change, noting the success network television has had in eliminating talent from their shows. But there will be plenty of talent on display when Dr. David Robinson and some of L.A.’s most promising new comedians perform in the Jim Coughlin Comedy Hour at Midnight at Improv Olympic West (6366 Hollywood Blvd, Hollywood, CA. 323-962-7560) on Friday, August 13th! No cover, cheap drinks, big laughs. Now, how're you going to say no to that? See you on Wednesday! Vaya con Carne – Your pal David

 

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