The election year fun continues as the Kerry campaign filed a suit with the FEC claiming that the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth (Neither swift, nor truthful . . . discuss) are coordinating their ad campaign questioning Kerry’s service in Vietnam with the RNC and the Bush campaign. The Bush campaign came out of the box pretty quickly to attack Kerry under the guise of defending their candidate. White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan told reporters, “Sen. Kerry, you know, appears to have lost his cool, and now he's just launching into false and baseless attacks against the president . . .” Now, I’m not saying I agree with McClennan, but if there’s any administration that knows about “false and baseless attacks” and “losing [one’s] cool,” I’m going to guess it’s the same administration that went into Iraq to avenge a terrorist attack perpetrated by a group of Saudis working with a terrorist organization based in Afghanistan, and the same administration that defines “keeping one’s cool” as spending seven minutes reading “My Pet Goat” when he’s just been told that our nation is under attack. SEVEN MINUTES FOR “MY PET GOAT.” Folks, just think about how long it might have taken him to react had he been reading a book with big words and no pictures. This time next year, I hope to be writing jokes about President Kerry, so come November, let’s get out there and vote for a candidate that will make America “better . . . stronger . . . faster” instead of the one who’s bringing us the Six Billion Dollar War. Of course, there’s plenty out there that we can’t change by voting. Like, what, for instance? Well, for starters . . . Courtney Love appeared in a Los Angeles courtroom this week, pleading innocent to felony assault charges for allegedly hitting another woman with a flashlight and liquor bottle. Courtney should take a note from the LAPD, who have always been wise enough to leave the liquor bottles in the squad car. However, because of their continued insistence that the “business end” of a flashlight isn’t the one with the bulb, Chief William Bratton is implementing a new plan to phase out use of the heavy Mag-Lite flashlights which have been seen in such places as Rodney King’s head. As a result, the LAPD is requesting minority drivers to carry their own Mag-Lites for the convenience of any officer who chooses to pull them over. Minority motorists who refuse to comply will be invited to the local constabulary to check out the collection of commemorative Abner Louima bathroom accessories. Michael Jackson also appeared in court this week to criticize the recent VH1 biopic, “Man in the Mirror: The Michael Jackson Story” and to refute rumors that he’s the expectant father of quadruplets. Jackson said,“Quadruplets?!? I hardly have time to molest the kids I already fathered!” Of course, I’m kidding – Jackson only molests other people’s children . . . allegedly. Facing four more years of the current administration’s disastrous environmental policies, a black bear in Washington drank 36 cans of Ranier beer and was found unconscious on the lawn of the Baker Lake Resort. In a display of political awareness and poor spelling the bear chose the local brew over Busch, leaving an unfinished can of the presidentially homophonic beverage in his wake. Meanwhile, across the country in Graham, North Carolina, police were called to a Best Western Inn after a couple from Ohio found 2 kilos of cocaine hidden in a chair in their room. Though no suspects have been named in the case, I’d like to pre-emptively congratulate the Gideons on their new endeavor. The Food and Drug Administration, this week, announced plans to label some antidepressants to warn consumers about a potential link between said antidepressants and suicidal tendencies in children. Sucks to be them, huh? Well, either way, there’ll be less depressed kids out there, so I guess ultimately, it’s a good thing. And the media made a big fuss this past week when Oprah Winfrey served on a Chicago jury that convicted a man of murder and sentenced him to death. Rather than lethal injection, the gas chamber or death by hanging, 27-year-old Dion Coleman will be forced to watch back-to-back reruns of Oprah’s daily television show until he kills himself. Experts estimate Coleman will be dead inside of three hours. And if you’d like to see a bunch of comedians try and kill in less than three hours, make sure you’re at The Comedy Store's Belly Room (8433 W. Sunset Blvd., Los Angeles, CA. 323-650-6268) on Tuesday August 24th at 8:00PM for the "Two Drink Minimum" show! Lots of fun, lots of larfs, and a good excuse to get away from NBC’s ever present Olympic coverage. See You Next Tuesday! Vaya con Carne – Your pal David

 

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