The Republican National Contention (official slogan: “Osama? Osama who?”) is all over but the memories of the feel good hit of the summer are still with me, leaving me with a horrible feeling of dread. The Convention opened up with Arnold Schwarzenegger praising Richard Nixon. Ok, maybe in comparison to the current administration, but praising Nixon? Then, the Bush Twins got up to introduce their mother to the crowd, and also to prove that you can graduate from Yale and still not get an education. Of course, after their father’s precedent, this really shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone. Zell Miller, an alleged democrat, served up a load of republican fear mongering and slammed John Kerry in his own major flip-flop from the praises of Kerry he sang four years ago at the 2000 Democratic National Convention. Never one to miss an opportunity, Miller followed his piss-poor imitation of Howard Beale with an interview in which he told MSNBC’s Chris Matthews that he wished he could challenge him to a duel. I never fail to be amazed at the people the Republicans find to represent how they see democrats. I mean, if the democrats wanted to show the nation what idiots the republicans are, they’d have to find a couple of bumbling idiots with a shitload of money and a poor grasp of the English language. But no one is willing to give the democrats credit for W. and Schwarzenegger. So the game plays on. Eventually, the hall was redesigned so the nation could gaze upon our court-appointed President’s butt and be sure for ourselves that his head isn’t really planted up there. I presume that the republicans took some notes from the success of the Democratic National Convention, because they also spent three days talking about John Kerry. Now there are a whole lot of people out there who keep praising Bush for sticking to his guns. Folks, I fail to see the logic of supporting President Bush because of his tenacity while ignoring the fact that he lied about the reasons we sent our troops into Iraq. These are the same people who will refuse to give a homeless guy change that he says is for bus fare or food because they know “he’s only going to spend it on booze or drugs.” At least when you give the homeless dude change he goes away and leaves you alone. And no one’s trying to convince anyone that the homeless guy will greet your generosity with candy and flowers. Meanwhile, with the publication of "The Family: The Real Story of the Bush Dynasty," Kitty Kelley is about to find out just how powerful the Bush family’s legal team is. Sure, there’s nothing new about the allegations that President Bush drank to excess, smoked pot and snorted coke. What shocks me after witnessing the last four years of the Bush Administration is that no one thinks Bush is still under the influence. Think about it – being blasted out of his mind on fine Peruvian flake or drunk off his ass on smooth Kentucky bourbon wouldn’t excuse anything Bush has done, but it would sure go a long way to explaining it. I mean, the logic that brought us to war in Iraq isn’t so different from the same logic that makes your coked up friend insist that “we all get in the car, get some strippers and go to Vegas RIGHT NOW” when you’re ten feet from the door of a completely rockin’ party where you know the bartenders, am I right? But back to the Kelley book for a brief second, for the folks who truly believe that Fox News is “Fair and Balanced,” aren’t y’all at least a little curious as to why Fox is the only major news organization chomping at the bit to book Kelley on any of their “Fair and Balanced” news programs? Of course Fox isn’t really news, it’s infotainment for morons. And there’s no shortage of morons out there as proven by ABC this past week when they broadcast NFL Opening Kickoff, a half-time type variety extravaganza before the New England Patriots season opener, with a 10-second delay. I guess they were a bit nervous after the Janet Jackson debacle at the Super Bowl earlier this year. I mean, they had Destiny’s Child performing and they’ve got three times as many breasts as Janet Jackson! People were also worried that performer Jessica Simpson’s boob might make an appearance, but alas Nick Lachey was nowhere to be seen. Back in Washington, Attorney General John Ashcroft was pleased this week when he announced the capture of the Genesis spacecraft. According to Ashcroft, the Genesis was transporting a significant amount of “solar dust” with an estimated street value of over $5 million. Another victory in the war on drugs! And while Ashcroft busied himself with the continuing erosion of our Constitutional freedoms, Secretary of State Colin Powell accused the Sudanese government of genocide in the Darfur region, but said that the U.S. would not be sending troops to aid the Sudanese citizens. I’m thinkin’ this means that we haven’t quite given up on getting our hands on that rich Iraqi crude, but we’ve got our eye set on Sudan’s oil reserves. And on the campaign trail in Iowa, Vice President Dick Cheney told voters that if they elect John Kerry, the United States risks another major terrorist attack. And he’s probably right. I mean, what Cheney could accomplish with a single phone call . . . well, I’m just sayin’. . . And I’ll be sayin’ a whole lot more on Tuesday, September 21st at 8:00PM when I perform at the Comedy Store’s Belly Room (8433 W. Sunset Blvd., Los Angeles, CA. 323-650-6268) as part of the Two-Drink Minimum show. Lots of free comedy to fill your Tuesday night with glee as you enjoy the two drinks that your gracious hosts at the Comedy Store insist you buy. See you On Tuesday! Vaya con Carne – Your pal David

 

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