In the first Presidential Debate this year, Sen. John Kerry said that our coalition of Great Britain, Australia and the United States is “not a grand coalition,” to which President Bush replied, “Well, actually, he forgot Poland.” Ever since then it seems like the newsfolk just can’t stop talking about the Poles. And while the polls reflect the potential result of the popular vote, they don’t tell us jack about the electoral vote, and that’s what really decides the election. Unless, of course, the Supreme Court has some free time and they’d like to make the decision for us again. And it seems like the Supreme Court is getting a little restless these days. You might think of the court as a bunch of folks who are so stiff they make Al Gore look like Gumby, but recently conservative justice Antonin Scalia told a Harvard audience that "Sexual orgies eliminate social tensions and ought to be encouraged." Whichever man wins the election in November, this seriously raises the bar for anyone they appoint to the Court. And as oil prices go north of $50 a barrel and flu shot prices are hovering around 55 barrels of oil each, the government has announced that they have found 2.6 million extra flu vaccines. The newly discovered doses won’t be available until January, however, because they’re currently being held in Vice President Cheney’s “undisclosed location.” Tommy Thompson, our nation’s Secretary of Health and Human Services tells us that there will be enough shots to protect the most vulnerable Americans during the flu season, saying, “We need all of us to take a deep breath.” But rather than taking a deep breath, doesn’t it seem like The White House is just telling us to turn our heads and cough? Around the other side of the world, the insurgent terrorist followers of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi joined ranks with Osama bin Laden and Al Qaida last week, thus finally proving that President Bush is truly a uniter, not a divider. Meanwhile in Afghanistan, almost a month after election day, it’s looking like interim President Hamid Karzai might have the majority of the popular vote; but with allegations of voter fraud and a slow final count of the votes it’s looking more and more likely that the election will be decided by the members of the Supreme Court, who will most likely appoint George W. Bush to lead Afghanistan. So as America prepares for another winter spent on the couch absorbing large quantities of snack foods and family-friendly programming, the media are keeping tabs on the buzz currently surrounding the Sinclair Broadcasting Group which forced 40 of their 60-some-odd stations to air an alleged news program consisting largely of clips from “Stolen Honor,” a so-called documentary that blames Sen. John Kerry’s anti-war activities for prolonging the Vietnam War and making POWs suffer. Now, I’m not an expert on the First Amendment, but isn’t this pretty much the same thing as blaming rape on the fact that most of the victims have breasts and female genitalia? If it's not the fault of their anatomy, maybe rape could be prevented if we dressed our women in shapeless black robes with hoods and veils. Why, it’s so crazy it just might work! Here’s another brilliant idea – we can prevent teen pregnancy and the spread of STDs by limiting access to condoms and sex education! And how better to accomplish this than with a “Faith-Based Initiative,” just like the Taliban. Or maybe the Sinclair action is more along the lines of defining gun violence as “Constitutionally guaranteed expression of our Second Amendment freedoms”? Let's not forget that Sinclair is the same company that banned its ABC affiliates from airing a broadcast of Nightline in which host Ted Koppel read the names of American soldiers who had fallen in Iraq because they said it was “motivated by a political agenda designed to undermine the efforts of the United States in Iraq,” adding that they don’t believe “political statements should be disguised as news content.” And these are the people who say John Kerry is a flip-flopper. In other brilliant TV programming news, NBC unleashed their latest reality show on the unsuspecting public last week. Apparently in response to horrible reviews of the last Olsen Twins movie and polls that showed most viewers were disgusted and appalled by “Save The Children” type infomercials which focus on emaciated little foreign people, NBC figured Americans would much rather watch their full-figured countrymen on the new reality show, “The Biggest Loser.” Strangely enough, people who tune in to find out who the biggest loser is could save themselves an hour each week by simply finding the answer they seek in the closest mirror. On the emaciated Americans tip, after it was reported that Mary-Kate Olsen was suffering a relapse of anorexia, for which she was treated earlier this year, Olsen publicist Michael Pagnotta denied the rumors, adding that “She's had good periods and she's had bad periods and she will continue to, probably for the rest of her life.” Medical experts disagreed, however, noting that while there were probably times when Olsen’s anorexia caused her to have no period at all, like most women, Mary-Kate will most likely stop having them – good or bad – when she reaches menopause. Elsewhere in the world of entertainment, Mötley Crüe drummer and winner of the Hallmark Channel’s “Best Home Movie” award, Tommy Lee began his semester at the University of Nebraska where he’s filming a reality show. Lee said he’s really looking forward to being a student at Nebraska, even though he’d never expressed an interest in Cornhusking anyone before. Also on the entertainment front, political activist and occasional actor Sean Penn has written a letter condemning "South Park" and "Team America" creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker after Stone commented that “There’s no shame in not voting . . . if you don’t know what you’re talking about.” Asked about the filmmakers comments, President Bush said he’s going to vote anyway. And hopefully, you’ll vote on November second, if not before, and then mark your calendar for The following Tuesday, November 9th when Dr. David Robinson will be performing at the Comedy Store (8433 W. Sunset Blvd., Los Angeles, CA. 323-650-6268) in the 8:00PM “Two-Drink Minimum” show! Gather your friends and family to celebrate or commiserate over the election results with some fine comedy . . . presuming that the votes are counted and the election is decided by the ninth. See you after the election! Vaya con Carne – Yer pal David

 

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