Well, reality has sunk in and our long national nightmare has finally come to an end. Yes, Scott Peterson has been found guilty of killing his wife, which just goes to show you – if you want to kill your wife in California, you’d better be famous. Just how famous you need to be will be determined sometime next year when the Robert Blake trial is expected to conclude. As for our other national nightmare, he was legitimately elected this time, and will be with us for another four years. I’d say our country is going to hell in a hand-basket, but all the hand-basket weaving jobs have been outsourced to India. But President Bush is already making plans for his second term, including the announcement of a plan that will combat global warming while appeasing the energy interests that helped get Bush elected. In accordance with the fifth commandment, Honor they Father and Mother, Americans will be asked to run their air conditioners at full blast with their doors and windows open in order to cool down the whole damn neighborhood. And now a group of people is trying to get a constitutional amendment to allow foreign born, naturalized Americans to run for President. Of course, the proposed amendment is intended to allow California’s action Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to run for President, but their ads are worded as if they want to allow Pedro, the guy who mows your lawn to be President. “But what qualifications does Pedro have to run the country?” you may ask. I don’t know, probably the same qualifications Schwarzenegger has to run California. But evidently, the bar has been lowered when it comes to what we expect of our elected officials. Ok, after W. was actually elected this time, that should be painfully obvious, but now that House Republicans want to change a rule that they created in order to allow convicted felons to hold leadership positions in the senate all bets are off. I mean, Majority Leader Tom DeLay, R-Texas, hasn’t even been indicted yet and his buddies are pretty much admitting his guilt for him by trying to change the rule. Of course, the reason they’re trying to do this is because DeLay’s questionable redistricting plan for Texas helped the Republicans take even more seats in the Senate this year. What this means, in the grand scheme of things, is that if Bill Clinton had gotten interns to blow all the House Republicans he could have avoided impeachment. I’m guessing Strom Thurmond was the deal breaker on that one. I’m not running for office, but if I did, my platform would include the passage of a law that allows drivers to rear end anyone driving in front of them while talking on a cell phone. On that note, I’d like to reach out to my liberal brethren and ask that you take a good look at your driving abilities, particularly if you drive a hybrid vehicle or anything with a Kerry-Edwards bumper sticker in view of other drivers. If you’re a crappy driver, please remove the bumper sticker or replace it with a Bush-Cheney sticker. When you drive like a moron, you make the rest of us look bad. Meanwhile, in the Middle East, Palestinians grieving over the death of Yassir Arafat complained that their suffering was compounded by Israelis who bragged about partying in celebration of Arafat’s demise. But Israeli settlers denied the rumors, saying “We weren’t bragging about partying – we said that whenever we left our homes in the territories we got stoned.” The entertainment world reeled this week with the news of the death of Ol’ Dirty Bastard. Many people have said that they didn’t even know Bill O’Reilly was ill. Dozens of people were injured and one man was stabbed this week at the Vibe Music Awards, honoring Urban, Hip-Hop and Rap music. Some people, however are claiming racial bias, saying that this incident is getting much more coverage than the disturbance at last month’s Country Music Awards in which dozens of women were done wrong by their men and nearly 15 wives were stolen – several of them by k.d. lang. And this week after Lionel Richie's estranged wife, Diane, was busted for allowing her boyfriend to use her mansion to give illegal anti-aging injections to celebrities and other people, she said she was just happy to be known as “Lionel’s ex-wife” rather than “Nicole’s mom.” Also this week, the government ordered drug manufacturer Pfizer Inc. to yank television ads for Viagra that ask "Remember that guy who used to be called 'Wild Thing?'" because they failed to disclose known risks associated with the drug. This will drastically affect the roll out of the ads for Viagra for women which would have asked, "Remember that whore in college who fucked the whole football team? And the Basketball team? And her Civics professor? And her Algebra T.A.? And . . .” Instead, the topical cream will be marketed with the slogan, “Viagra for women . . . Loosen up.” And you’ll be loosening up your belt after the annual Thanksgiving feast, so why not loosen up your mind and encourage your friends to do the same on Sunday, November 28th at 8PM when Dr. David Robinson performs in the “Two-Drink Minimum” show at the Comedy Store's Belly Room (8433 W. Sunset Blvd., Los Angeles, CA. 323-650-6268)! The perfect way to shake off the holiday shoppin' blues - live comedy and a couple drinks! I’ll see you Tuesday! Vaya con Carne – Yer pal David

 

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