We’re in the last leg of the holiday homestretch with Chanukkah in full swing and Christmas right around the corner, and telltale signs of the holiday season are all around us. The malls are filled with holiday shoppers, the crisp smell of winter is in the air and the national terrorist threat level is being raised to orange.
On a similar note, Secretary of State Colin Powell is recovering from surgery he had last week to remove his prostate – which had apparently grown to the size of an orange. Doctors who performed the surgery said that they were happy with the job they did, but American voters would have to wait until Election Day 2004 to get the rest of the assholes out of the White House.
But we can’t begrudge the efforts of our government officials. Now that our appointed President has found Saddam Hussein, he has pledged to make every effort to find that other fellow who continues to elude him – Waldo. And this time, he wants to find him without any help from daddy’s friends. But it is true that our armed forces found Saddam Hussein last week. He was found hiding in a “spider hole.” An understandably upset Tobey Maguire said that until a recent date, he had absolutely no idea that Hussein was in the “Spiderhole.”
On the topic of people found in places they’re not supposed to be, self proclaimed King of Pop and accused child molester, Michael Jackson, is planning to travel to England to help promote his recently released CD of #1 hits. Having been to England before, Jackson says he’s quite comfortable there, but everytime he goes back it usually takes a few days to get used to touching children on the other side of the road. In other Jacko news, the singer hosted a party at his Neverland Ranch where guests like M.C. Hammer, Serena Williams, Ryan Seacrest and crowds of children were entertained with a lavish buffet and a short concert by Michael Jackson himself. Across town at the Santa Barbara D.A.’s office they weren’t partying, but they’ve been keeping busy with a rollicking game of “pin the charges on the pop star.”
But not all gifts that arrive in the holiday season are wanted. That’s why the FDA is preparing to approve non-prescription distribution of the “morning after pill.” The pill will be marketed under the brand name “Plan B” – presumably because the name "I fucked YOU?!?!" was already taken.
And you can’t have a morning after unless you have the night before. And if you’re lucky, you can have both – starting on the night after Christmas! Because at midnight on December 26th, Dr. David Robinson will be performing in the Jim Coughlin Stand-Up Hour at the Improv Olympic West Theatre (6366 Hollywood Blvd., Hollywood, CA 90028 - 323-962-7560)! Cheap cover, cheap drinks and plenty of post-holiday cheer – or plain ol’ holiday cheer if you’re still celebrating Chanukkah! So gather the friends who stayed in town for the holidays and bring ‘em on down to the Imrov Olympic West for a Midnight Bash!
See you on Friday!
Vaya con Carne –
Your pal David
